Interpersonal Effectiveness: The 3 Types of Assertive Skills

Below you will find a description of three types of assertive communication:   1) Object Assertion   2) Relationship Assertion   3) Self-Respect Assertion.

Of course, in the real world, we are often doing all three within any one discussion, but, for the sake of clarity and effectiveness, we encourage choosing among the three types for a top priority (Each is given an acronym which is elaborated on in individual separate handouts).

1)    Objectives Effectiveness (DEAR-MAN):  Choosing this type of assertive priority is about obtaining a specific object that you want or don’t want.

a. Standing up for your rights in such a way that they are taken seriously
b. Requesting others to do things in such a way that they do it
c. Refusing unwanted or unreasonable requests and making the refusal stick
d. Resolving interpersonal conflict
e. Getting your opinion/point of view taken seriously

It is important to remember that no one is able to get everything they want from others all of the time. Some environments are "impervious" to even the most skilled individuals. Increased interpersonal skills will increase your probability of getting your objectives met, but it is not a guarantee. In situations where it is impossible to get what you want distress tolerance and radical acceptance become important interpersonal skills.

2)   Relationship Effectiveness (GIVE):   This assertive priority means you are choosing to emphasize, maintain, or strengthen an interpersonal relationship. When this works well, you will get what you want, and the other person may like or respect you even more than before.

a. Acting in a way that makes the other person want to give you what you are asking for
b. Acting in a way that makes the other person feel good about your saying “no” to their request
c. Balancing immediate (short-term) goals with what is good for the relationship

Sometimes your main goal is to get the other person to approve of you more, stop criticizing or rejecting you, or to stay with you. In this case, relationship effectiveness refers to choosing a way to do this (improve the relationship) that does not do damage to the relationship in the long term.

An example of risking a long term relationship for short term relationship gain would be attacking someone for voicing a criticism. This does not mean that you cannot deal with the criticism; however, it does mean that let yourself be heard in a way that does not attack the other person.  It is also important to remember that you have to balance relationship goals with the other two types of goals (i.e., object goals and self-respect). Continually sacrificing your object goals for the sake of the relationship won't guarantee that the relationship will go smoothly.  The key problem with always trying to improve relations and sacrificing object goals is that it doesn’t resolve real problems, and resentment will keep building, e.g., Relationship begins person sacrifices needs and wants to keep the relationship frustration and unmet needs, huge inequities relationship ends: big fight, partner walks out or you leave the relationship in frustration.

3)   Self-respect Effectiveness (FAST):  Self-respect effectiveness involves maintaining or improving your good feeling about yourself and respecting your own values or beliefs. It includes acting in ways that fit your sense of morality and acting in ways that make you feel competent.

Things that diminish self-respect over the long term:
a. Giving in for the sake of approval.
b. Lying to please others or for vengance
c. Acting helpless.